Running in place

So I've stated writing JulNoWriMo, half in earnest and half as preperation for NaNoWriMo.  And to be completely honest with you, I've never won either one, ever, and I've been trying since 2003.  I'm sure there'll be some readers who would be like, "well forget this idiot" and go read something more reasonable.

I don't mind.

For me, word count has never been the problem.  Plot has never been the problem.  There's always something to say, something for my characters to do, and reason to do it.  For me, the problem is a lot more personal.  

When I write, I feel like I'm getting something off my chest, which is a good feeling, but at the same time, i'm plagued by self-doubt.  Oh no, who's going to read this trash? What kind of filth is coming out of these hands?  This feeling gets worse even when I am just scrolling to the bottom of the document, my eyes picking up random words and phrases.  Who would write it this way? I'd berate myself, and nobody dead OR alive would be willing to do that to someone else.

These wrimos are more like a trial for myself, rather than a test for my creativity, a trial to see whether I can persevere and not give up hope when it is so easy to just give up and not write anymore.  

So I apologize in advance to all those who were waiting for my stories.  They're there, and some are even completed.  It's just in my head and not on the screen where you can see.